I was working at a wine bar/ retail place. We had this asshole blow-hard that I will call "Dildo" who used to come in all the time blabbering about how "he was in the wine industry for such in such years and he was a big shot in California.." Blah, blah, whatever.

Never, ever, ever does this jerk tip.

So his normal question every time he came in was, "So you have anything other than sweet crap on the bar today?"
Me: "Yes sir, of course."
Dildo: "I don't know why you bother having that crap."
Me: as I get him some not sweet crap, "Well, in Texas, Sweet wine is a big seller and we like to keep our customers happy. "
Dildo: "Bullshit, I've been in this business blah, blah, blah..."

I'm tuning out because I've heard this speech before. This jerk buddies up with the owner (who I will call "ShortMan)," all the time and expects special treatment because of it. Let me point out that the owner is a little, disgusting toad who is WAY too forward with he ladies and constantly makes a fool of his lush ass by getting wasted and pouring expensive bottles to his free-loading regulars. (Who seldom spring for more than a $9 bottle themselves).

So one particular day, after I had just made a deal to buy the place from ShortMan, he having made a valiant effort to run it into the ground, in walks Dildo. Now technically I don't own the place yet so I can do nothing but take Dildo's crap. He is especially shitty tonight and gets very pissed when I don't agree with him about the Sweet wine market in Texas. He tells me I know nothing about the industry and would do well to "shut my mouth and learn something from him for a change." I am fuming and in walks ShortMan all "Hey man what's up? Let me brown my nose some more."

It's the end of my shift so I gather my things and hear Dildo tell ShortMan, "That dykey bitch has a lot to learn about wine you should talk some fucking sense into her." Shortman gives a horsey laugh and begins to pour the free wine. For the record
A. I hate people use words like that to describe someone's sexuality.
B. I'm not gay.

The next day I pay cash for the place and tell ShortMan to not let the door hit his ass on the way out.
2 days later who should arrive? Yep, Dildo...same spiel. I smile a rich and contented smile as he asks if there is anything on the bar that isn't crap.

Me: "Actually, I don't think I've got anything on the bar you would like."
Dildo: "What? Surely you have something."
Me: "Nope, in fact, I don't think I have anything in this store you would like, perhaps another shop could serve you better."
Dildo: "What the hell are you talking about? Where's ShortMan?"
Me: with a smile even bigger and more silky, "ShortMan no longer owns this store, I do. In fact, I bought it two days ago and frankly I don't need "customers" (using my fingers to make quotes) like you. You will notice the door conveniently located right there." I gesture to the door.
Dildo: "Well, that's bullshit. I guess I couldn't expect anything decent out of a dyke bitch."
Me: in my sweetest voice, as he stomps to the door, "And I wouldn't expect anything less from a dildo."

The best part is that when he opened the door to leave it just so happened my 200 lb, tattooed and bearded, MALE fiancé was walking in. Dildo says, "Don't expect any decent service from that bitch!"

Needless to say my man had a few "words" with Dildo outside.
I guess being from California he didn't know it's not a good idea to insult someone's woman in Texas.

All I have to say is haha.

—EinsteinOfWine, Smalltown, TX